It has been 26 years since Elise Plessis was in a committed relationship. Even if she chooses to, she nevertheless experiences FOMO on Valentine’s Day
Known as the “singleton of the family and the friend group,” Plessis, 53, is a resident of Manitoba, Canada. “Valentine’s Day makes me feel like a loser who has no one to love me,” the speaker said.
But because she was sick of the “toxic” hookup culture, she decided not to sit at home and lament her lot. Rather than dwelling on her own thoughts, Plessis intends to follow the advice of psychologists and academics on loneliness: she will be assisting others. As for her, she’ll be assisting others in finding love. She arranged a Valentine’s Day speed-dating event after earning her certification as a matchmaker last year.
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Valentine’s Day
Plessis remarked, “I figure it’s the least I can do if I can’t find love.”
One of those holidays that detractors say is “forced,” commercialized, and extremely expensive to celebrate if one is hoping to live up to expectations is Valentine’s Day. This year is the first since the U.S. Surgeon General’s public health advice last spring, when loneliness and isolation were deemed to be an “epidemic” with serious repercussions. The day of romance has evolved into a celebration of love and friendship in general.
The nation’s leading public health advocate, Dr. Vivek Murthy, has cautioned that chronic loneliness carries health hazards comparable to smoking up to fifteen cigarettes a day. According to him, it costs the health sector billions of dollars annually. According to him, almost 50% of American people claim to have been lonely at some point. The issue has been simmering since long before the pandemic, becoming worse over time.
It resembles thirst or hunger. When something essential to our lives is absent, our bodies send us a signal, as Murthy then explained to The Associated Press. “It is wrong that millions of Americans live in poverty and struggle in the shadows.” Similar to Valentine’s Day, publications promoting self-help and data have proliferated, and loneliness has turned into a lucrative industry. Dating apps and websites profit handsomely from people trying to get over their emotional obstacles during this season.
TRY A SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE
David Sbarra, a psychology professor at the University of Arizona in Tucson, studies loneliness and social isolation. He’s among the data crunchers who consider the idea of loneliness as a deadly epidemic a tad overblown. But he’s confident about where Valentine’s Day can take the chronically lonely. “You can make a very clear argument that it exacerbates the experience of psychological distress among people who are already lonely,” he said. “So a simple way of saying it would be that people are looking at and monitoring themselves as being socially isolated instead of shifting their perception toward opportunities to reengage and then pursuing that. Who can I go out with? What can I do? How can I serve others? Who can I text or call? That’s very important, Sbarra said.
Those are the things 27-year-old Tori Mattei in New York has discovered on her own over the last four years of singlehood. She’s been dating since two back-to-back, long-term relationships ended.
“Because I’ve been single for a while, I feel like I kind of set a goal for myself to go on a certain amount of dates just so I still feel like I can do it and don’t feel awkward or nervous,” she said. “I’ve gone on a lot of first dates in the past couple of years. There are not a lot of second dates.” Valentine’s Day was a big deal in her relationships. Sometimes it was a cozy night. There were usually gifts of flowers, perfume or jewelry.
“I definitely felt appreciated,” Mattei said. She lives alone in Manhattan, as opposed to lots of friends who have roommates. Many of her friends are in relationships. “At certain times, I enjoy being alone and having my peace and quiet. But on days like Valentine’s Day or even things like the Super Bowl, I have to make a little bit extra effort to not feel lonely,” Mattei said. “I have to make sure I make plans for myself. It just takes one sad day that you feel lonely to make it seem like you’re always lonely.”
SEEK REAL-LIFE CONNECTION
Mattei doesn’t consider herself a Valentine’s Day hater. “I just dislike the pressure of making it romantic when, really, if somebody handed me a rose on the street, that would make my day. Like, that’s all it takes,” she said. Her best advice for making it through Valentine’s Day is as sweet as those candy conversation hearts that circulate this time of year. “Show love to somebody. I love giving other people a gift and putting a smile on their faces. And if you can’t think of someone that you want to show love to, then show love to yourself. Buy yourself candy. I buy myself flowers very frequently. I love the way they look. I don’t care that I bought them for myself,” Mattei said.
Dr. Jeremy Nobel, who wrote “Project UnLonely: Healing Our Crisis of Disconnection,” agrees with all of the above. Loneliness, he said, comes in many forms, from physical isolation to rejection based on differences. “I think the science is quite clear that loneliness does increase the risk of early mortality,” said Nobel, who teaches a course for medical students at the Harvard Chan School of Public Health to help them better recognize loneliness in patients.
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Disclaimer: The opinions and suggestions expressed in this article are solely those of the individual analysts. These are not the opinions of HNN. For more, please consult with your doctor
